So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
