your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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