Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
