I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
