took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
