You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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