When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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