dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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