My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
