i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I did not marry a roomba.
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