Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
