To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
