I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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