You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
