I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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