I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I am available for nakedness
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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