We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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