Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
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