Pappa wants mamma naked
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
