my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
