my mouth tastes like poor choices
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
