regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
