Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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