i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks