I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
