In the future we'll all be gay
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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