the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
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