im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
