I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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