we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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