If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
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