Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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