I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
