just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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