oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Randomize
