my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
