The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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