in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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