Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Text me some of your sweat
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
