I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
