who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
