I just made out with a guy for $7.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
