omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
