There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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