Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
