apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
