im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
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Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
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How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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