last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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