Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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