Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
